Regency Reader Questions: Courtship, Weddings and Babies

Regency Reader Question
I recently wrote a book that took place in during the War of 1812. In it a girl named Lillian and a man named James get married. I just finished the first draft so it’s time for me to ask questions. What was some courting etiquette during 1808? What were weddings like? What was raising children like? Thanks!

Source of Question	Research
Additional comments	You are awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your questions, Coralie!

These are dissertation or book worthy questions, so I am going to give you the cliff notes version and make some further research recommendations.

Courtship

There were lots of other “rules of engagement”, but these are some of the basics that would be important to keep in mind when trying for historical accuracy:

A young lady was never alone with a gentleman. They would be chaperoned at all times. Authors take plenty of liberties with this, but strictly speaking the amount of time young women and men were together was very, very limited.
A third party was needed for introductions. If a young lady caught a gentleman’s eye, he would look for the host or hostess to introduce them. This would be at a social event like dance, dinner, or public assembly. He might also be introduced by a mutual acquaintance.
After introductions at a social event, a young man may send flowers or call during the “at home” or visiting hours (usually the afternoon). A caller could stay for no more than a half hour at a time.
Under chaperonage, a gentleman may take a young lady for a walk or a ride in an open carriage (no closed coaches or carriages) as they got to know each other.
No more than two dances per evening, lest the young lady be called “fast” or the presumption of engagement be made. Even after engagement, dancing more than two dances with an intended would be bad ton.
The proposal would be the first time most couples were alone, and even then it would only be for a few moments (with likely the chaperone eavesdropping!).
Permission to pay court was usually asked for and obtained from the father or guardian.
Couples could not correspond until they were officially engaged (https://reginajeffers.blog/2013/01/10/courtship-during-the-regency-period/)
Engaged couples still were expected to display modesty and avoid public displays of affection (Dunbar, 1834).
The length of engagement was at least as long as it took for the banns to be read (three Sundays).

Weddings

Like today, weddings depended on lots of things, including circumstance, station and cash flow.

Dress: Usually the bride’s best dress. If she was fabulously wealthy, she may have a new one made. It would have been typically a colored gown, and the color and textile would depend on her station and wealth. A very wealthy bride may have had a white gown made, but it could have easily been a gown of a lovely colored shade, too!

Groom: Typical white cravat, white shirt, black tailed jacket, waistcoat and inexpressibles or knee breeches. Again, the groom would appear in his “best” attire, but not necessarily a new set of clothes.

Guests: For most brides and grooms of all classes, these would have been a small affair. Larger affairs, at St. Pauls, for instance, were for the upper orders. Close family and friends may attend, and neighbors may wait outside the church to bid the couple well wishes.

Ceremony: Short and sweet, typically in the morning and usually during the week. Most would prefer their home parish church to be conducted by their familiar clergy member.

Announcement: An announcement was one of the more significant milestones of a wedding, sent to both a national and local paper, and broadcast the impending nuptials.

Reception: Most commonly (due to time of the wedding) a wedding breakfast, but included a wedding cake. This would feature a broader invitee list. The bride and groom didn’t always attend (depending on their travel itinerary).

Honeymoons: Immediately, the bride and groom would make it for the groom’s house. Any wedding trip would happen a week or two later, and might include visits to relatives.

Age of consent: Parental consent was required for anyone under 21 by license. Under the banns, parents could object (Adkins, 2013).

Ring: The wedding ring was given to the bride, to be placed on the fourth finger of the left hand symbolically connecting to the veins to the heart. Engagement rings weren’t really a thing, but other tokens may have been exchanged during engagement.

Something Old, Something New: This rhyme ended with “A Silver Sixpence in Her Shoe” and often the father of the bride would give her a silver sixpence for her shoe. This was meant to bring prosperity to the marriage, and was a tradition before the Regency era (https://www.royalmint.com/discover/celebrations/classic-coin-wedding-traditions/).

Most of the above comes from the very helpful post: https://englishhistoryauthors.blogspot.com/2016/11/short-simple-and-to-point-regency.html
or this one: https://www.kristenkoster.com/a-regency-marriage-primer/

Raising Children

This would have depending also on circumstance, station and wealth. You don’t mention the class of your H/H so I am going to keep things high level, and also include links to more information below.

High mortality rates (for both mother and children) made child bearing and rearing very stressful
In wealthy homes, much of the child rearing would have been done by the nurse or nanny and later governess. This included breast feeding by the wet nurse (https://dcc.dorsetforyou.gov.uk/bankes-archive/a-regency-motherhood/)
With increasing industrialization, raising children became the domain of the woman.
Very young children all wore dresses. Starting in the early 1800s, children began to be dressed and treated less like small adults and more specifically as kids (http://www.rth.org.uk/regency-period/family-life/children)
After breakfast (sometimes with mother, sometimes in nursery) children would have lessons, then lunch (sometimes with mother, sometimes in nursery. Small children would have a nap after lunch followed by play/exercise and more education (http://www.rth.org.uk/regency-period/family-life/children). Education in wealthier families was taught by a governess. Older boys, if not sent away to school, would have subject tutors or teachers.
Manners and etiquette were very important, and children were expected to be “seen and not heard.” From an early age, children were expected to be proficient in greetings, politeness and properties.
Children rarely dinned at dinner with adults, usually having meals in their nursery. Teenagers began to be more tenuously incorporated into adult spheres.

There are some basics for you on the requested topics with lots more follow up research to digest:

Excellent post on Courtship Etiquette for Gentlemen: https://www.geriwalton.com/courtship-etiquette-for-gentlemen/

Courtship in Regency: https://reginajeffers.blog/2013/01/10/courtship-during-the-regency-period/

More details about courtship in the Regency:http://donnahatch.com/love-and-courtship-in-regency-england/

Some more great info about courtship: https://byuprideandprejudice.wordpress.com/2014/01/28/courtship-and-marriage-in-the-regency-period/

More courtship and marriage information:https://www.cherylbolen.com/courting.htm

A receipt for courtship: https://www.regrom.com/2018/01/18/regency-customs-a-receipt-for-courtship/

Sharon Lathan has a five part series that walks through the details of a wedding/marriage: https://sharonlathanauthor.com/regency-marriage-the-legalities/

Marriage in the Regency: http://www.jasna.org/publications/persuasions-online/vol36no1/bailey/

Raising children in the Regency: https://judeknightauthor.com/2017/05/13/how-to-be-a-child-in-regency-england/

Some Georgian “rules” to parenting that would have still been relevant: https://www.historyextra.com/period/georgian/the-georgian-guide-to-perfect-parenting/

Jane Austen’s novels and parenting: https://dspace.library.uu.nl/bitstream/handle/1874/31786/MasterThesisJaneAustenSDV.doc?sequence=1&isAllowed=y